Meredith Miller
ENGL 384
Prof. Foss
April 22, 2020
BFRB
something tells me to begin
feeling my worries, feeling distraught
tracing the motions of my chin
BUMP, “try to ignore” I thought
not clean, even, solid, or smooth
they don’t understand it is how I soothe
trying to get my attention
I lose my authority, piercing, digging
because of the suspension
becoming weak, hyper focused, bleeding
most believe we are neat-freaks
yet here I am filling cardinal creeks
I push and squeeze
imperfections being made more severe
I drain with ease
covered in crimson, the evidence is clear
let your opinions remain, there is no glee
I have to tell you, I have OCD
my body builds a wall
attempting to heal what I have done
weeks of defense from it all
after all, I hold the smoking gun
I am sentenced to a few weeks
hiding what I have done to my cheeks
a record of my crime
shown in the scars of my face
I will always serve my time
there will always be a trace
I will never win
something tells me to begin
Exposed
as I tear my wounds open
revealing what is beneath
I show the world this secret side of me
bringing attention to the unrest of my brain
I wear my mind on my skin
my focus, my fear, my feelings
often you don’t ask
using ‘acne’
I hide behind a mask
no, I do not do drugs
yes, I am bleeding
I thank you for your input
without it I would forget
the scars I wear on my chest
I know you try your best
looking away when I look at you
no, it is not contagious
yes, it is my fault
Impulses and Compulses
unable to stop myself
from either the tasks I can’t escape
or the tasks that they replace
without any thought
I rip the hair from my scalp
without any thought
I ran out of my second grade class
I used to get these two confused
when I continued to make myself bald
I am following the urges
when I speak out of turn and without thought
I follow the instincts
often these interact
resisting my impulses
heightens my compulses
fighting my compulses
worsens my impulses
they are working together
to overthrow my mind
using my body.
Drugged
I was not myself
sitting still, staying quiet
methylphenidate
Medicated
I was a robot at school
most days by dinner
I was a human again
Ritalin, Concerta
when they try
to make me a robot again
I will refuse
Zoloft, Prozac
I would rather have
compulsion than lose myself
rather than help me
they attempt to fix me
I could not eat
I could not sleep
I could not smile
methylphenidate took seven years
I obeyed, I sat still
my grades did not change
who was this drug for?
doctors, coaches, teachers, parents
because I was broken
and Ritalin would repair me
My major project took the form of poetry. While I have never created poetry for anything other than meaningless high school assignments, I found it to be a good way to express my personal experiences. I focused on my two diagnoses of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. While there is some representation of lived experiences of both of these conditions, I wanted to enhance the conversation on both disorders by adding my own experiences of the two interacting.
The first poem I have presented “BFRB” is describing the pattern of my unique form of OCD. Body-focused repetitive behavior is a term that represents a multitude of types of OCD. Personally I have Excoriation Disorder, but others struggle with Trichotillomania (hair pulling), some extreme cases of nail biting also fall under this blanket term of BFRB. While describing my thoughts as I am affected by compulsions, I intertwine some of the discussion we have had in this course. I use language such as ‘neat-freaks’ to show the misconceptions of OCD and the impact of the public understanding of the disorder. I touched on Rosemarie Garland-Thomson’s concept of “The Body” through the expectations that society has given women to have flawless skin and how that makes me feel about my own skin and body. I also enlist the theories of Elizabeth Brewer’s “Coming Out Mad Coming Out Disabled” by admitting to the reader that I have OCD. I realize I do not have to tell anyone, that is my privacy, but somehow I gain credibility by labeling myself and allowing others to understand this complex part of my life.
The next poem is “Exposed”, I wrote this poem referring solely to how I felt about releasing this extremely private information of my condition to you all. I have included some of the dialogue that I have experienced both in my mind and in interactions with others. I encapsulate the general feelings I have about the disorder through my final line by taking responsibility for my appearance and mental state. Although I do understand that I am not at fault for my condition, I often struggle with this because it can be difficult to separate my mind and body. My body acts seemingly without the influence of my mind, yet I know my brain is in control of this condition. I also add a sequence of ‘yes’ and ‘no’ replies to common questions of why I look like this. I understand that it is easier to hide my self-inflicted blemishes as acne or scratches rather than other conditions that affect the body in a more difficult way to hide.
In my next poem “Impulses and Compulses” I discuss the interactions of my impulses from ADHD and my compulses from OCD. I describe some of my past behavioral issues before either diagnosis, having both impulses and compulses made my younger self believe that I was somehow not in control of my actions and constantly disappointing myself and others. I have often felt a real struggle in the deciphering of my impulses and compulses. Currently my impulses take the form of unprepared thoughts and a lack of judgement in conversations, but my compulses have not changed. As of now I separate the two as the compulses relieve stress and the impulses cause more stress.
I wrote my first ever haiku “Drugged” out of sheer luck. I was googling the name of the most recent medication I was prescribed and found that it was five syllables. I decided what better way to describe my experiences with medication than with the most unnatural sounding word in a haiku. In my personal experiences ADHD medications were not effective in treating my condition. This haiku is just the beginning of my expression of personal experiences on ‘brain meds’ as I often call them.
The final poem I have written for this assignment is called “Medicated”. Once again I am comparing my experiences of OCD and ADHD. While I agree that the medications listed in my poem do help many people and are not inherently bad, I show my distaste for them because of my ADHD experiences. I deduced after 7 years of various ADHD medication, it was in my best interest to stop taking them before college. I struggled with my appetite and ability to sleep as well as a more significant disconnect from myself while on the medication. I realized the medication was no benefit to myself, but rather to everyone around me. I make a similar connection with my BFRBs. I do not think I would be helped by an antianxiety or antidepressant medication as I have a way to make myself feel better through my BFRBs. I realized the only person benefiting from my taking another medication would be everyone else because it would help their discomfort.
I hereby declare upon my word of honor that I have neither given nor received unauthorized help on this assignment.
Meredith Miller
Word Count: 804
