Meredith Miller<\/p>\n\n\n\n
ENGL 384<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Prof. Foss<\/p>\n\n\n\n
April 22, 2020<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
BFRB<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n something tells me to begin<\/p>\n\n\n\n feeling my worries, feeling distraught<\/p>\n\n\n\n tracing the motions of my chin<\/p>\n\n\n\n BUMP, \u201ctry to ignore\u201d I thought<\/p>\n\n\n\n not clean, even, solid, or smooth<\/p>\n\n\n\n they don\u2019t understand it is how I soothe<\/p>\n\n\n\n trying to get my attention<\/p>\n\n\n\n I lose my authority, piercing, digging<\/p>\n\n\n\n because of the suspension<\/p>\n\n\n\n becoming weak, hyper focused, bleeding<\/p>\n\n\n\n most believe we are neat-freaks<\/p>\n\n\n\n yet here I am filling cardinal creeks<\/p>\n\n\n\n I push and squeeze<\/p>\n\n\n\n imperfections being made more severe<\/p>\n\n\n\n I drain with ease<\/p>\n\n\n\n covered in crimson, the evidence is clear<\/p>\n\n\n\n let your opinions remain, there is no glee<\/p>\n\n\n\n I have to tell you, I have OCD<\/p>\n\n\n\n my body builds a wall<\/p>\n\n\n\n attempting to heal what I have done<\/p>\n\n\n\n weeks of defense from it all<\/p>\n\n\n\n after all, I hold the smoking gun<\/p>\n\n\n\n I am sentenced to a few weeks <\/p>\n\n\n\n hiding what I have done to my cheeks<\/p>\n\n\n\n a record of my crime<\/p>\n\n\n\n shown in the scars of my face<\/p>\n\n\n\n I will always serve my time<\/p>\n\n\n\n there will always be a trace<\/p>\n\n\n\n I will never win<\/p>\n\n\n\n something tells me to begin<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n Exposed<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n as I tear my wounds open <\/p>\n\n\n\n revealing what is beneath<\/p>\n\n\n\n I show the world this secret side of me<\/p>\n\n\n\n bringing attention to the unrest of my brain<\/p>\n\n\n\n I wear my mind on my skin<\/p>\n\n\n\n my focus, my fear, my feelings<\/p>\n\n\n\n often you don\u2019t ask <\/p>\n\n\n\n using \u2018acne\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n I hide behind a mask<\/p>\n\n\n\n no, I do not do drugs<\/p>\n\n\n\n yes, I am bleeding<\/p>\n\n\n\n I thank you for your input <\/p>\n\n\n\n without it I would forget <\/p>\n\n\n\n the scars I wear on my chest<\/p>\n\n\n\n I know you try your best<\/p>\n\n\n\n looking away when I look at you<\/p>\n\n\n\n no, it is not contagious <\/p>\n\n\n\n yes, it is my fault<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n Impulses and Compulses<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n unable to stop myself<\/p>\n\n\n\n from either the tasks I can\u2019t escape <\/p>\n\n\n\n or the tasks that they replace<\/p>\n\n\n\n without any thought<\/p>\n\n\n\n I rip the hair from my scalp<\/p>\n\n\n\n without any thought<\/p>\n\n\n\n I ran out of my second grade class<\/p>\n\n\n\n I used to get these two confused<\/p>\n\n\n\n when I continued to make myself bald<\/p>\n\n\n\n I am following the urges<\/p>\n\n\n\n when I speak out of turn and without thought<\/p>\n\n\n\n I follow the instincts<\/p>\n\n\n\n often these interact<\/p>\n\n\n\n resisting my impulses<\/p>\n\n\n\n heightens my compulses<\/p>\n\n\n\n fighting my compulses<\/p>\n\n\n\n worsens my impulses<\/p>\n\n\n\n they are working together<\/p>\n\n\n\n to overthrow my mind<\/p>\n\n\n\n using my body.<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n Drugged<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n I was not myself<\/p>\n\n\n\n sitting still, staying quiet<\/p>\n\n\n\n methylphenidate<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n Medicated<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n I was a robot at school<\/p>\n\n\n\n most days by dinner<\/p>\n\n\n\n I was a human again<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ritalin, Concerta<\/p>\n\n\n\n when they try<\/p>\n\n\n\n to make me a robot again<\/p>\n\n\n\n I will refuse<\/p>\n\n\n\n Zoloft, Prozac<\/p>\n\n\n\n I would rather have<\/p>\n\n\n\n compulsion than lose myself<\/p>\n\n\n\n rather than help me<\/p>\n\n\n\n they attempt to fix me<\/p>\n\n\n\n I could not eat<\/p>\n\n\n\n I could not sleep<\/p>\n\n\n\n I could not smile<\/p>\n\n\n\n methylphenidate took seven years<\/p>\n\n\n\n I obeyed, I sat still<\/p>\n\n\n\n my grades did not change<\/p>\n\n\n\n who was this drug for?<\/p>\n\n\n\n doctors, coaches, teachers, parents<\/p>\n\n\n\n because I was broken <\/p>\n\n\n\n and Ritalin would repair me<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n My major project took the form of poetry. While I have never created poetry for anything other than meaningless high school assignments, I found it to be a good way to express my personal experiences. I focused on my two diagnoses of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. While there is some representation of lived experiences of both of these conditions, I wanted to enhance the conversation on both disorders by adding my own experiences of the two interacting. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The first poem I have presented \u201cBFRB\u201d is describing the pattern of my unique form of OCD. Body-focused repetitive behavior is a term that represents a multitude of types of OCD. Personally I have Excoriation Disorder, but others struggle with Trichotillomania (hair pulling), some extreme cases of nail biting also fall under this blanket term of BFRB. While describing my thoughts as I am affected by compulsions, I intertwine some of the discussion we have had in this course. I use language such as \u2018neat-freaks\u2019 to show the misconceptions of OCD and the impact of the public understanding of the disorder. I touched on Rosemarie Garland-Thomson\u2019s concept of \u201cThe Body\u201d through the expectations that society has given women to have flawless skin and how that makes me feel about my own skin and body. I also enlist the theories of Elizabeth Brewer\u2019s “Coming Out Mad Coming Out Disabled” by admitting to the reader that I have OCD. I realize I do not have to tell anyone, that is my privacy, but somehow I gain credibility by labeling myself and allowing others to understand this complex part of my life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The next poem is \u201cExposed\u201d, I wrote this poem referring solely to how I felt about releasing this extremely private information of my condition to you all. I have included some of the dialogue that I have experienced both in my mind and in interactions with others. I encapsulate the general feelings I have about the disorder through my final line by taking responsibility for my appearance and mental state. Although I do understand that I am not at fault for my condition, I often struggle with this because it can be difficult to separate my mind and body. My body acts seemingly without the influence of my mind, yet I know my brain is in control of this condition. I also add a sequence of \u2018yes\u2019 and \u2018no\u2019 replies to common questions of why I look like this. I understand that it is easier to hide my self-inflicted blemishes as acne or scratches rather than other conditions that affect the body in a more difficult way to hide. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In my next poem \u201cImpulses and Compulses\u201d I discuss the interactions of my impulses from ADHD and my compulses from OCD. I describe some of my past behavioral issues before either diagnosis, having both impulses and compulses made my younger self believe that I was somehow not in control of my actions and constantly disappointing myself and others. I have often felt a real struggle in the deciphering of my impulses and compulses. Currently my impulses take the form of unprepared thoughts and a lack of judgement in conversations, but my compulses have not changed. As of now I separate the two as the compulses relieve stress and the impulses cause more stress.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I wrote my first ever haiku \u201cDrugged\u201d out of sheer luck. I was googling the name of the most recent medication I was prescribed and found that it was five syllables. I decided what better way to describe my experiences with medication than with the most unnatural sounding word in a haiku. In my personal experiences ADHD medications were not effective in treating my condition. This haiku is just the beginning of my expression of personal experiences on \u2018brain meds\u2019 as I often call them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The final poem I have written for this assignment is called \u201cMedicated\u201d. Once again I am comparing my experiences of OCD and ADHD. While I agree that the medications listed in my poem do help many people and are not inherently bad, I show my distaste for them because of my ADHD experiences. I deduced after 7 years of various ADHD medication, it was in my best interest to stop taking them before college. I struggled with my appetite and ability to sleep as well as a more significant disconnect from myself while on the medication. I realized the medication was no benefit to myself, but rather to everyone around me. I make a similar connection with my BFRBs. I do not think I would be helped by an antianxiety or antidepressant medication as I have a way to make myself feel better through my BFRBs. I realized the only person benefiting from my taking another medication would be everyone else because it would help their discomfort. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I hereby declare upon my word of honor that I have neither given nor received unauthorized help on this assignment. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Meredith Miller<\/p>\n\n\n\n Word Count: 804<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Meredith Miller ENGL 384 Prof. Foss April 22, 2020 BFRB something tells me to begin feeling my worries, feeling distraught tracing the motions of my chin BUMP, \u201ctry to ignore\u201d I thought not clean, even, solid, or smooth they don\u2019t understand it is how I soothe trying to get my attention I lose my authority, … Continue reading “Meredith’s MPP”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":112,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[115,189,63,190],"class_list":["post-2005","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-elizabethbrewer","tag-garland-thomson","tag-major-paper-project","tag-poetry"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pcJhts-wl","jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.dislit2020.chris-foss.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2005","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.dislit2020.chris-foss.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.dislit2020.chris-foss.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.dislit2020.chris-foss.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/112"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.dislit2020.chris-foss.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2005"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.dislit2020.chris-foss.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2005\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2007,"href":"https:\/\/www.dislit2020.chris-foss.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2005\/revisions\/2007"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.dislit2020.chris-foss.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2005"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.dislit2020.chris-foss.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2005"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.dislit2020.chris-foss.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2005"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}